What do I do?

I am only about 5% functional right now. It took me 15 minutes to drink the water next to me. I need to eat but I am dry heaving. I have 2 papers due today. I stayed up all night and got very little done due to fatigue, hyperexplexia (due to sleep deprivation) and panic attacks. There’s no food in the house. I have nothing in my bank account until next week. I don’t have the option of doing badly in these classes because I am graduating in Spring and I have no financial help available even if I wanted to continue. 

Can anyone help me word an email? My teachers know I’m “disabled” but I pass very well most times and I cannot provide any sort of doctor’s note because they’ve only just started agreeing that I’m going to need more than anti-depressants to help me. Well one knows and we are cool. The other doesn’t and he doesn’t know me well enough to know I wouldn’t lie about it.

I would normally ask my mom but the only advice she ever has is just to “push through it”, which is why i only have control over my fingers, wrists, and eyes right now.

I would be very grateful for any input.

Addendum: Also dealing with bone aches, tics, and muscle spasms

Trying to find POC autistic tumblr-ers

I am recently diagnosed with ASD and now that I have much of the basic information down about how it can affect me, I’d like to connect with more people whose experiences look more like mine. I’m black and 21. 

This is a terribly awkward advertisement.

Studying while disabled

• Medicine
• Music
• Completely customize computer
• Read
• Look up new words
• Energy shot
• Read
• Look for syllabi for next semester
• Check all accounts ever made
• Read
• Stare into space
• Forget to eat, thus energy wanes
• Have a panic attack
• Remember to eat
• To be continued…

How do you emote?

tw: self injury

I feel a lot of intense emotions but I don’t know how to get them out. How do you express frustration? How do you be angry? I usually just end up having a panic attack and then going to sleep. I want to scream/yell (not sure of the difference) but the walls in my apartment complex are thin. Sometimes I feel like jumping up and down (including for happy emotions) but someone lives below me. I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable “talking things out” with and I am usually non verbal at this point anyway. The only things that have worked for me are playing Dance Dance Revolution and self-harming but since I live above someone, I don’t feel comfortable playing and I am too exhausted to worry about hiding injuries.

Also tried: practicing piano, working out, meditating, going for a walk, journaling, drawing, sudoku, squeezing in small spaces.

I feel like not being able to release my emotions is really affecting my health and my capacity to function.

Any suggestions?

Shutdown Time

I started panicking because I didn’t finish all of the work I wanted/needed to. I also realized I was hungry but not before I was starving. I couldn’t find anything quick to eat so I starting freaking out more. I tried playing the piano, playing on my iPad, pacing, etc. Then I remembered someone advised me to use pressure or small spaces so I took the things in my closer that would sprain my ankle or slice my leg open. But there was no handle on the inside so I panic, figure out how to close it whilst inside it, and backed into it. Since I left the broom, mop, and other clunky stuff in there, I didn’t have much choice of positioning but I did feel myself start to calm down. Also decided to call this place in my city and get an estimate for an autism diagnosis. I need help and answers cuz fuck this shit. I have midterms and stuff.

How does one find a significant other? I like being alone but I don’t like feeling lonely.

No one has any advice? I don’t want to call emergency services because I can’t afford it but idk what else I could do. I feel moments away from throwing up my intestines and other times I feel like my heart is close to just stopping. And I’ve gone non verbal so I really don’t know how to help myself

I am frustrated with a lot of things. I have no outlets or coping mechanisms. I tried crying but nothing came out - tears or sound. I tried stimming but I have been stimming for a couple of hours on and off and I still feel like ripping my chest open. I tried to sleep but I can’t fall asleep. I tried altering my brain waves but no effect.
I literally feel like I’m going to implode. I need advice. I have no one I can talk to and no where I can go. What is the procedure for when you desperately need to meltdown or shutdown and can’t?

So today I focused on nothing in particular with such intensity that I forgot to eat. All day. It’s nearly midnight. I woke up at 9 something. I also didn’t go grocery shopping so there’s really nothing for me to eat anyway. I don’t remember what I did for 15 hours :(

Grad School/Life Anxiety

Anyone have any tips on how to stop being exhausted long enough to figure your life out? I decided to take a year off before I apply to Master’s degree programs because I am barely able to get out of bed everyday - not from depression (though I’m sure that plays a part), but from exhaustion. I am tired from giving 100% for so long with no breaks. I can barely function some days. I am a few months from graduating and I feel overwhelmed instead of relieved.

Ideally, I would spend this gap year recuperating, learning about my neurology, learning how to work with my neurology, beginning my transition, assessing my strengths and challenges, figuring out my interests, and learning how to have fun. Unfortunately, I have to worry about student loans, so I’ll have to work. My fear is that if/when I have to start working, I won’t be able to do the things that I need to do to take care of myself because I’ll be too busy having to compensate for my ADHD and autism.

Also, it will be imperative that I am able to provide for myself financially so that I don’t have to live with my parents, specifically my mom who is a top contributor to my anxiety and depression.

I guess the questions I have are:

1. If you are pursuing a Master’s degree and have ADHD and/or autism, do you have any advice?
2. Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions on what I can do in my gap year that will give me as close to a mental vacation as possible?

Any other comments/ideas/suggestions would be appreciated as well.

Am I the only person who objectively observes myself when I have mental or physical problems?

Like last month, I had an anxiety attack. Instead of calming myself down (if that’s even possible) or whatever, I call my brother to report the strange increase in my bpm with no apparent stimulus. I also report a decrease in lung capacity by _____% (approximately) and I ask him to google the nearest hospital, just in case. Then I laid in bed and monitored my symptoms until I was able to go to sleep.

I don’t do that all the time but I prefer it to the freaking out bit.

WHY do people insist on asking me relationship advice? Me! The repulsed asexual, autistic, only-had-one-relationship-that-was-kind-of-abusive, me. I am quite perplexed by the rules of regular platonic interaction. I have ZERO idea about the rules for romantic/sexual/whatever interaction.

What are you supposed to do when you feel like crap and you can’t “get over it” and there’s no time to waste being miserable and you can’t express the feelings you have?